As the lights go dark, and the company logos zoom by, you’re thrust headfirst into a Cybertronian war.  Spaceships zoom in and out in glorious 3D, blasts fire all around you in 7.1 Dolby Digital sound, until one ship, a very key ship is blasted out of orbit and sent flying across the galaxy to the moon.  Not just any moon, our moon.

We’re quickly caught up to speed on the secret history of NASA, never truly designed to put man on the moon, but instead to stop the soviets from getting this alien craft.  The craft is miles long and miles wide. It’s absolutely cavernous and humbling.  Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong take their first steps on the moon, but it’s really part of a secret mission to obtain as much information and intel about this ship as possible.  We see the lost autobot, Sentinel Prime, found deep within the ship…the title card comes up…and then we see a tight, 3D close up of the perfectly formed bottom of a Victoria’s Secret model.

This is Transformers: Dark of the Moon…and it’s not just a Michael Bay film, it’s the most Michael Bay film of all time.

Coming into this movie, I truly was expecting very little.  In terms of the robot battling saga thus far, I thought Transformers was watchable at best and Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen was one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen.  But of course, combined, those films made more money than probably my 10 favorite films of all time combined, so there had to be a third flick.

Don’t worry, they told us. We knew the second one was bad. Blame the writers strike! Blame Megan Fox being difficult to work with, she’s outta here! Blame whatever you want, we’re fixing it!  It’s the latest in what is becoming a trend these days…“we know the last film was bad, but this time, THIS TIME, we’ll get it right.”

Time for me to eat some humble pie. They did. They got it right. Flawed? Heavily. Perfect? In no way shape or form. Award winning? For effects, probably.  Transformers: Dark of the Moon is hands-down the best part of the Transformers saga, and will probably hold as the most grandiose, ridiculous, over the top action spectacle of this, and many summers to come.

It’s almost as if while plotting this film, they had a checklist handy of what didn’t work in the prior films.

The plot of this movie, like the others, is mostly irrelevant.  Something about Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) trying to settle down with his new girlfriend Carly (Rosie Huntington-Whitely, the afformentioned Victoria’s Secret model with the nice bottom), looking for a “real job” but he can’t settle down because he wants to do something “important” after saving the world.  Of course, Sam’s goofy ass parents show up (less irritating than before), and there is a minor love triangle including Carly’s boss (Patrick Dempsey, doing his best Rob Lowe impression), which leads to more important things later on - but the fact is, it’s irrelevant.  And it really runs a little too long. But smartly, this vague idea of a “story” has many fantastic character actors thrown into the mix, to keep you interested. John Malkovich, Frances McDormand, Ken Jeong and Alan Tudyck are amongst the actors tossed in to keep you interested, and chewing the scenery when there is little else to enjoy. And this has it’s benefits, as Shia LaBeouf finally learns to be kind of a decent action hero in this one!

But lets be honest, the plot, the acting, all of those tennants of filmmaking are irrelevant.  This film is about one thing - the set pieces.  And good lord has Michael Bay thrown the gauntlet down for every other action director going today.  Taking up over half of the films meaty 2 and a 1/2 hour run time, the action sequences are at a scale and scope rarely seen, with not a single dollar of the films $195 million price tag NOT being seen on screen.

Intense, visceral robot battles take place throughout the world in this one, with particular attention being paid to Washington DC, and (based on the condition it is left in), unfortunately, Chicago.  Every complaint rendered in the first two films about the action being short, or hard to follow is left silenced here.  You want a full out Autobot and Deception war? Congratulations, you got one.  You want a human vs. robot battle that only serves to underline how poorly put together Terminator Salvation was? Here you are.

If I didn’t know any better, I’d begin to speculate if Michael Bay had a terminal disease.  This is his magnum opus.

Sure, some of the slowmo is heavy handed. Yes, there are some leaps of judgement and plotting that you have to make.  The dialogue? Hamfisted. The humor? Childish. And yes, those little robots are back and they’re just as annoying.  But if you don’t find yourself with your jaw agape as our heroes battle through the famous skyline of Chicago, with nary a famous building left unscathed, there may be something wrong with you.

When I was a child, my Optimus Prime and Megatron action figures had some of the most amazing knockdown, dragout wars ever seen in my parents living room. Lego buildings were torn asunder. Hot Wheels were thrown everywhere.  And the Transformers cartoon never really lived up to what my imagination wanted it to be.

Well, folks - prepare your inner child.  Michael Bay had some very expensive toys to play with, and this time, he finally gives you what your minds eye always wanted.

I can’t say the film is great. I dare say it defies rating.  But what I can tell you is this - find the theater with the biggest screen. Find the theater with the loudest sound system. Yes, SHELL OUT THE MONEY FOR THE 3D (I can’t believe I’m saying that).

Transformers: Dark of the Moon is completely ridiculous and over the top…but if you let it, it will blow you away.