Before I get terribly far into this review, I really need to admit - I don’t necessarily have the fondness for the 1990 original Total Recall that I’m sure many of you do.  It’s not that I dislike the film, I just haven’t really sat down to watch the original since a VHS watch sometime in the mid-90s.

So, already, I probably don’t have as acute a critical eye for the fancy new for 2012 version starring Colin Farrell.  I like Farrell, having really enjoyed his turns in In Bruges and Horrible Bosses most recently, but he can really be an indifferent sort of actor sometimes.  Unfortunately, in a moment where he’s needed to step in the over the top footsteps of an actor like Arnold Schwarzenegger,  he remains neither offensive nor over the top. He’s just there, he’s just seeing the film through, and that I think is a perfect analogy for exactly everything that is both wrong and right with this remake of Total Recall.

For those unfamiliar with the original…you know what? Just stop reading this review and watch the original. It’s campy fun from the early 90s. You’re not missing anything by not seeing the 2012 version.

For those who actually want to know how the 2012 remake is? In a word: mediocre.  While the far-flung future worlds of “The Colony” (Australia) and “The United Federation of Britain” (The remnants of the UK) are beautifully designed, you can see how the creative team used the film less as a way of building an interesting future, but instead as a way to fill their portfolios for future work.  The Colony (where Farrell’s Douglas Quaid lives) feels like a retread of the worlds of Blade Runner, so I wouldn’t be shocked to see this artistic team get assigned to the new film Ridley Scott is developing.  The United Federation of Britain just feels like the future world in the Will Smith headlining I, Robot.  So you already feel a bit of a “been there done that” with the story, and it’s only compounded with the lack of world building.

The cast isn’t terrible, but no one really makes an attempt to stand out. As mentioned before, Farrell almost sleepwalks through the film, Kate Beckinsale continues her roles of strong action-y females (although this time with a villainous streak), and I don’t really know what, if anything, Jessica Biel contributes. That’s somewhat standard for her though, so we can just rack that up as her living up to expectations. The only real bright point is Bryan Cranston as Vilos Cohaagen, our head baddy. Of course, looking back, I can’t recall anything really “great” that he did, and I feel like I can only chalk up my enjoyment of his performance due to the fact that he’s been really great in an number of other, far better projects.

Director Les Weisman (Underworld series, Live Free or Die Hard) tries to freshen up this boilerplate action film with some innovative sequences (the weird zoom-in/zoom-out effect during Farrell’s first fight sequence sounds great in theory, but is headache inducing in execution), but doesn’t really provide a signature style. In fact, given the near constant level of lens flare, I wondered if he was intentionally aping JJ Abrams.

I guess in short, what I’m trying to say is this: don’t even bother with Total Recall. It’s not so bad it’s good, and it’s hard now, even hours later to remark on things that work.  And worst of all? They don’t even get a single ass to Mars. It’s not even hinted at.  Unless you really, truly need to see the 2012 version of the tri-boobed alien, spend your money elsewhere this weekend.