They don’t make them like this any more, do they?

A mid-range budget dramatic film, based on classic stories, just filled with a bunch of name actors acting their asses off. That’s what Murder On The Orient Express is on the onset, and honestly, that’s exactly what the movie delivers - even if it’s in the least exciting, most competent, and completely inoffensive way possible.

Starring and directed by Kenneth Branagh (who has an incredible mustache in this film), this seeming start of a Poirot-niverse, is filled with talent. Names you know and love like Judi Dench and William DaFoe! Names you forgot about like Penelope Cruz and the return of Michelle Pfeiffer! New names you really like, such as Daisy Ridley (who you know as Rey from Star Wars) and Josh Gad (he’s Olaf, the snowman, in Frozen, the movie your kids won’t stop watching!) They even got a guy from Hamilton! (Leslie Odom, Jr.)

And yep, Johnny Depp is here too!

But here’s the good news: Depp dies early. And that’s exactly what Branagh’s Hercule Poirot has to get to the bottom of. And all those other actors? Yeah, ANY of them could’ve done it.

An adaptation of the Agatha Christie classic, I had no prior exposure to the book or the many other adaptations prior to sitting down and watching this, and I mean no offense to the film, but the best way I can describe it is - the movie happened in front of me, I watched it, it ended, and I have nothing bad to say about it.

This is the type of movie that is a resume filler for most, and a forgettable date night for audiences. This is the type of movie that keeps actors working, behind the scenes staff busy, and mortgages paid.

There’s nothing offensive, nothing bad, but at the same time - nothing great or leaving you jumping over the moon for it. This is the type of movie you land on a cable channel on a lazy Sunday afternoon, you fill the time, and you feel OK that you did it.

And maybe that’s just fine.

Murder On The Orient Express is in theaters now. Grab tickets via Fandango, or pre-order today via iTunes.